Irony: Story Of My Life

i·ro·ny

1.
the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: the irony of her reply, “How nice!” when I said I had to work all weekend.

Sometimes... things happen to me that wouldn't happen to anyone else... except for perhaps Tina Fey's character Liz Lemon on the NBC show 30 Rock.

One time in college a drunk middle aged man approached me and held onto my hand at an Eat 'N Park. He told me I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. Yikes.

Although I've never been on a date with my cousin, my cousin Jeffrey was my first kiss at age 2 or so. He was standing up, I was sitting in an aluminum lawn chair. There are photos. (In our defense, I am adopted.)

One Christmas Eve at church, I met a guy who seemed nice. The next night we went to the movies together. That movie was Bowling for Columbine. It got weirder and weirder from there. He smoked pot. He sold knock off cologne and perfume at gas stations and the mall. He tried to make out with me during the Michael Moore flick. Not thinking ahead, I couldn't escape out the bathroom window. It was bad. Really bad. A few months later, I heard he was living in his car and that someone caught him having sex with some chick in said car. I'm eternally grateful that the girl wasn't me.

Last year at Barnes & Noble, a rather cute young man asked me to have coffee with him. Then, while we were talking, he reveals that he's into some kind of mysticism and starts going on and on about magical forests and crap. Seriously! He also told me that he wasn't hitting on me, but that I looked like I needed someone to talk to. He was in love with his martial arts instructor. Against my better judgment we exchanged email addresses. Later that night, he sent me a strange invitation to a costume party because he found me "erotic." Ew.

Recently, I went out a few times with a guy named Tony. Keep in mind that I have also dated someone with the last name Miceli. Tony. Miceli. Who's The Boss coincidence or what? (Okay, so it's missing one "L"... )

Earlier today, I received a text message from New Guy. Okay, okay, Tony. He had briefly mentioned that he plays in a kickball league. Well, then today our reporter said she was going to do a story about kickball leagues in the Tampa Bay area. And of course she is going to Tony's kickball game this Saturday. The reason he'd contacted me wasn't to ask me out, but to see if I could get him more "face time." Luckily, I'm neither involved or in town for that. But I have to confess, I don't think I want my crew chatting up a guy I've gone out with romantically. Way too weird.

A rather um, unusual guy I work with has contacted me over the internet even though he barely says "hi" to me in the hallway.

The past two nights, I've had rather bizarre and inappropriate dreams about Ex-Boyfriend. Maybe I shouldn't go to sleep ever again.

There's someone that I can't really stand and have no respect for, but I'm secretly very attracted to.

Seriously, have I gone off the deep end? I'm not even sure I can survive tomorrow, let alone this weekend... and the wedding. Help!