Thursday, July 17, 2008

Honesty Is The Best Policy

I'll be the first to admit, it's pretty difficult for me to open up about all matters intensely personal. It's always been so easy to talk and write about any other topic or anyone else. And I have to confess, I'm guilty of censorship here. Some of my friends are able to be brutally and refreshingly honest. And yet I'm still afraid of being judged or making myself too vulnerable.

Not anymore. As I've been blogging over the past five years, the fear has slowly slipped away. And not just on Blogger, but within my own life. So here's my deal:

Today after quite the heinous day at work, I stopped in at my neighborhood Chinese takeout place for some General Tso's. And of course, what comes with this meal?

The fortune cookie!

While the first one I opened said something about being a gentleman, I got a great one for the second.

"Your heart is a place to draw true happiness."

Ain't that the truth!

Truth be told, I think mine feels really confused. I've been single again for close to a month now. And man, this is hard!

For about 48 hours after being broken up with, I felt absolute heartbreak and disbelief. And then, just as quickly as it descended, it was gone. No more tears. No more despair. I felt free and clear. Like countless possibilities started pouring in. Not to mention the fact that I will save about $200 a month in gas.

In the aftermath, I immediately threw myself into a whirlwind of activities. Going out with the coworkers, going to a church near my house, and yes, even getting to know a few new guys.

For the first time in years I drank too much. That was two days after the break-up. One week after my night of debauchery, I went on a date with someone new. It was easy to talk to him and he seemed cool. Two nights after that, this particular someone kissed me. It was far too weird and too much for me. Instead of being "into it" I was extremely uncomfortable. I felt like I was being unfaithful to my now ex-boyfriend. Quite abruptly, I told New Guy that I needed to go home. Really, I just had to get out of there.

Driving home, panic and horror ran through my entire body. I felt guilty. Like a kid who'd just been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. But I hadn't done anything wrong. It also seemed to further cement the reality that my previous relationship was indeed over.

After seeing him one more time, when I invited him out with a group of friends, I realized that I didn't have much chemistry on my end. Maybe it's the timing, maybe it's not. Rebound fling? I'm really not sure.

If that's not throwing enough of a wrench into things, I've started sort of an email/phone connection with someone I'll call Pittsburgh Guy. While I don't know him very well at all, he seems like a great person. He's been contacting me several times a day and even took photos of the Steel City skyline to send me so I could have something scenic to look at. Next week I'm actually going to that area to be a bridesmaid in a wedding, and may meet up with him. But at the same time, I'm not sure what exactly I'm looking for right now. I just got out of a relationship, and I have to say, I'm a little freaked out. He is moving to the same area I live in fairly soon.

I'm lost. This is new territory for me. While I'd do anything to deny it, I still can't shake Ex-Boyfriend. I'm not the same. That's also another weird side to a break-up. You'll never be in the place you were before. You are forced to move forward and keep on going.

Last night I severely hit my elbow on the bathroom door. I was cursing in pain, it was so awful. As I drifted off to sleep, it continued to throb. When I woke up this morning, I thought everything was fine again. Until I put pressure on that spot. Then that same pain returned like it had never left.

That's what this time feels like for me. I'm okay until I accidentally lean on a pain-inducing emotion or memory. I've had really great days and moments, and darker ones too. Some of my notions do tend to be rather polarizing... I waver between being social and wanting to hole up alone in my bedroom. Jumping into a new love story and living my life completely on my own. Being completely sacrificial or taking everything I can for myself. Still loving him or consciously ending that chapter in my life for good. This is hard.

Like the song often sung in churches I'm reminded of these lyrics...

Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for
Brokenness is what I need

Is this what it takes? For me to be broken down, in order to be built into someone new?

If that's not enough, my mother emailed me this video from the Today show. Marriage tips from a priest. Yes, a priest. A man who will never be married. And you know what? It wasn't bad advice! Actually it rang close to home for me.

Despite what the fortune cookie says, I'm not sure what my heart's good for these days. All I know is that tonight it hurts.

Still, I know this all has purpose and meaning. I am learning and evolving into a woman I can take pride in being. She is loving, confident, warm, friendly, strong, intelligent, and beautiful inside and out. She cares for herself and for others. She doesn't take any crap. She smiles genuinely and laughs a lot. She's passionate about everything she does. And it's amazing that I'm becoming her.

1 comment:

thesciencegirl said...

Give yourself time to heal Jenn. It's absolutely normal to be confused and to have oscillating emotions, and to not feel ready to date again. Just listen to your gut, keep praying, and give yourself time. Your honesty in this post is great, such an engaging read. I'm glad you're blogging regularly again. :)