Wednesday, June 25, 2008

My Real Heartache


They won't stop rolling and pouring down my face. Every time I've had a solitary moment today, moisture welled up in my eyes. I tried the whole, pretend your eyes are watering thing. Not working too well.

Haven't slept at all in two days. I've spent hours in my bed completely restless. Ate a little this morning, but don't have much of an appetite at all.

Over the past day, I've had flashbacks of many memories over the time we were together. The very first time I saw you. It was at your house last year. You had bright, kind, eyes and such an engaging way about you. I liked you instantly. That night. You told me I needed to sit next to you and talked to me for hours, after our friends had drifted off to sleep.

Over the past year, I've really grown to love you. I could picture our life together, with me by your side as your career grew. Sleeping in on Sunday mornings and making breakfast. Going dancing and spending evenings with family and friends. You're the only one I've ever thought of having children with and I know we could have had a beautiful family.

The hardest part was being four hours away, and not being able to have what most people call a "normal" relationship. It does feel strange to mostly see your love on the weekends, but I enjoyed every minute I've spent with you.

Why can't you be in love with me, too? I'd give anything for you to have those feelings for me. I understand that you don't think it's fair to be with me if you're not sure about a real commitment. But I can't understand why you won't take a chance with me. In my head, I can't help wonder why and how. You spent so long letting me get attached to you, only to leave me alone again.

Maybe I do deserve "better" as you said, but that's not what I desire at all. I only want you.

I'm torn between swearing off you forever and wanting to run to you so you can hold me.

My heart hurts.

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